I hate him so much I know I must be in love with him.

Some days I think the Goddess has a positively sick sense of humour. What is wrong with him? Can he not sense what his own scent gives away? First is the scent of his fear when I inadvertently touch upon a hidden nerve, then is the scent of his happiness when I stroke him the right way. He likes me, I can sense it, but there are demons that haunt him from the past. I smell a female; she must have badly wounded him. Great Goddess I hope he wasn't sleeping with my mother, that would be just too embarrassing.

Well, mother didn't catch up like she wanted to on that slow boat freighter of hers, not that my brother would have been any help. He's been tied up in details for a week now but promises to come collect me as per our pact. Oh Goddess, Milton, snap out of it quick! I don't want to be just another face in the Patriarch's harem! Well, I'd be the only talking face in his harem but really, Big Stripe was warm as a bedmate but she lacked a lot in the arena of intelligent discourse.

The meeting with Captain Lee went alright I guess, although I really opened my mouth a little too wide on several occasions. Oh Goddess I hope I didn't screw up my chances too badly, I don't think I could live with myself knowing that with a little more self-restraint I could have been Mrs. Milton Dammers rather than a nameless female pumping out litter after litter of cubs. Oh Goddess I was so stupid to start in on him about gas chambers. I keep forgetting my place, and that is at his side supporting and lifting him up, not domineering him. I overran the Captain when he was speaking and almost made him look stupid for being, well, clueless. I must learn more control, especially if I'm doomed to waiting hand and foot on the Patriarch. He most certainly won't have the patience for any outbursts from the likes of me. And that cheap shot I took about the M'Rael. And he told me to leave him alone. And that spanking remark, he really went… hey… well, well Milton Dammers. Have we a bit of a kinky streak? I'll have to probe that a bit deeper, pun not intended…

Well then, I'll go ahead with my salvage plans and lie in the tall grass to wait for a while. Third shift will suit me fine, it's a slower shift aside from the idiot parade and I'll just go back to the sleeping schedule I had when I was in nursing school, which is next to none. If I could get away with no sleep I most certainly would since I don't know if I'll ever see my cubs again after June. I know Blackfeather will raise them as well as she did I, maybe even better, but the thought of never seeing them again breaks my heart. Oh you two, T'Saal and K'Torr, I'm going to love you like none other always, please never forget me. Please Milton. Claim me as your mate, I promise to be so good to you you'll forget all of our pain. If I could shoulder it myself I would take it from you. If I should fail you Milton I must remember my beloved cubs. No child deserves to be hurt by those who should be their caretaker. T'Saal, K'Torr, I love you both so much and this will be reflected in the trust fund I have established in both your names. Even if I become a prisoner I will have bought your freedom, for the rest of your lives. Oh Goddess I don't want to leave them. Please. Don't make me leave. I'll do anything. Oh Milton, please save me. I swear on the names of my cubs I'll do anything, be anything for you.

Why couldn't it have been this log I accidentally send?