Once again the bizarre overtakes reason on this ship.

I'm glad momma's mending well after that attack by Mister Brundle, and after having talked to him briefly over the ship's intercom system I've come to the conclusion that he's flipped his wig. There was no room for reason in his head much less room for discussion. I fear he's beyond my ability and I will send word to that genius who cared for my mother. Perhaps Doctor Hyde will know how to proceed.

Begin letter:

My dearest Lord Milton:

It warms my heart to hear you call me by a less formal name, a name of friendship. I wish we could have been on such terms months ago but fate does indeed add her own twists, doesn't she. And may the Goddess shower blessings of peace and good humour upon you as well. I feel blessed that you would deem me free from debt to you for your hand in my very being alive to tell the tale. I feel great comfort in your acceptance of the title I wish to call you, and even moreso that you wish to keep such things between the two of us for I too prefer to keep such intimacies private. I feel blessed that you would deem me free from debt to you for your hand in my very being alive to tell the tale. Perhaps an explanation is in order, but first I wish to address some of your concerns, for they make my spine cold with fear.

You pose difficult questions, and I have a difficult question for you in return. Look at my mother, old, grey, frail. One day I will be that old woman and unable to dance for you with the same vigour with which I dance for you now. I will be stooped and weak and less than stunning to the eyes. Will you discard me for another, younger female?

Men's eyes wander; I know this. I have been that other young girl taken by an older man, but at the very least the man's wife had already left this place and rested with her ancestors. You spoke of racial differences to overcome, and I say to you that you must understand something of the carnivore's mind. The divorce rate on Cait is less than 1% while the divorce rate among Terrans is almost half. When I look at the one I love I see no other, and I never have. Caitians have a long history of intense loyalty because once a mate has entered our mind's eye there is no room for any other. This is often a blessing to a human, and a curse to Caitian women since we expect the same thing in return.

I am different. I have had several lovers and only one of them was Caitian. He was an alien to me. I was raised Terran by Terrans, my first tongue is Terran and all my life my best friends were at least humanoid if not Terran. Culturally we are the same but I still have the carnivore's mind, that and my finishing school was in Japan. See the attached Diploma. Here as well I am of two minds. One, is the mind which is taught to be subservient to males. This springs from several areas. I've been a captive on an Orion vessel, I've been held against my will by my father, and there is my apprenticeship at the Blessed Lotus Teahouse where I took the collar of Geisha. My other mind is that honed in a society where a female holds power. The women of France hold power. They hold power through oblique angles and by social connections, but it is indeed power. The most important formative years in my life were in Alaska, in an Orphanage run by a Tlingit woman. The Tlingit are a matriarchal society. Their family lines are traced through the female and she does indeed hold much power. I am all of these people and I need to continue to be all these people. I dearly hope you find this pleasing for I don't think I could bear to lose you.

When you asked if I would be able to manage such a thing, to love you unconditionally, my first impulse was to feel insulted. How dare you question my loyalty? How dare you question my devotion to the vows I make? Then, upon reflecting I was drawn to a log entry I made some time back when I was under the influence of the Junkesque curse. I'd frequently returned to it trying to understand what I'd written. It was so surreal to me; all that gobbledygook about betraying other's hospitality et cetera. I'd frequently wondered what the horrible stuff had done to my mind, and now I think I understand it. I cried nearly half an hour when it dawned upon me, with that entry and what you said about your having been hurt by another. I see now that I'm not the only one in the universe who craves love. I thank you so much for your gentle hand and your patient guidance and for your stubborn refusal to allow me to proceed faster than is wise. For a time I was prepared to shave my fur and cut off my tail for you but you would not allow that to happen, and again I thank you. You do indeed understand what it is to hurt, I recognise that, I respect that and I honour that. Most important of all, I understand.

About my vows. You are wrong about my commitment to Starfleet, for my allegiance is not to Starfleet. I am an exchange officer and my term of service ends with your window of opportunity. I cannot go into detail. I made a vow. And if I cannot be true to the vows I make to others how can you believe in the vows I make to you? You awoke me to the hearts and feelings of others, you showered tender mercy and patience upon my undeserving head, you earned a name from the enemies you hate so much, you stole my heart, but can you hide my vows that become lies from the Goddess? Can you hide such a demand from your own? Do you not have that nagging sensation that They might be but two facets of the same being, or if not, might They be sisters in the cosmic order? I did not set the timetable that looms before me, but if I had not agreed to the terms the two of us would never have met. Please don't ask me to disgrace myself; I've spent a lifetime doing that on my own.

About you. I really have no words to describe the feeling of joy I get that you actually want to talk to me and not just get me into your bed. I have so much to say I'm actually speechless. I get so scared and intimidated at the thought of actually sitting down to talk with you without the pressure of being expected to offer myself in return. With you for the first time in my life I don't feel like some sort of cheap prostitute. When you agree with me that my cubs must be free to follow their own paths without the undue influence of ancient expectations my heart soars, and you say you don't understand the needs of children. I would say you understand very well, having not had a happy childhood yourself you are in a wonderful position to understand such needs. Just look at the way K'Torr looks up to you. I'd say you're a natural. And infants? I understand your fear; your fear is based on love and a wish to protect them from your own perceived inadequacies; that is not weakness, that is strength. When I collapsed from exhaustion you picked me up. When I'm with you I feel... safe... like nothing in the universe can harm me.

About us. I said in my inadvertent letter that life is choosing paths. I could choose not to follow what I feel in my heart to be my duty, but I love my duty. I find my place in my duty, and I feel my duty includes you, and so by extension I love you. Your kind hand is not a burden. If I call you my Lord, I do so by choice and out of love, a thing you have taught me to better understand. If my wrists are bound and the tassels are in your palm it is I who did the binding and it is I who placed them in your hand by my choice. It is a choice of my heart, fully, madly, deeply, and completely. When I'm with you I feel loved, and I want that love to grow. I know you'll never intentionally hurt me and I swear to you that I know of no way that my vows can hurt you. Oh Goddess please don't leave me.

About my mother. I'm envious of you having been given the chance to regard my mother as the mother you wished you had. I only hope I can live up to that standard with my own cubs. No, that's not true. I hope to have better than that. I hope to provide a stable home life for them, better than the life you or I have lived, much less the life my mother was awarded with. You and I were at least granted some semblance of free choice while she was raped and robbed of the cubs she might have had in recompense of her violation. Whatever your motives or fears for caring for her be it fear of loneliness or sense of duty, those are of little import to me. Heroism, Chivalry, it's all the same, at least my brother says so but he got all that from his membership in the Society for Creative Anachronisms. Oh well, what I'm trying to say is it's your actions that count most. In the end we're all judged by our deeds, not our flowery words and pretty clothes. I know that sounds so stupid coming from me, but I'd rather be remembered as a great mom, a loving wife and as a daughter who makes her mother proud. Help me, please. I don't even know my own mother and I'm scared of her. Not in a bad way, but in the sense that I just know she has expectations and I have expectations and neither of us will be able to live up to all of them and I don't know what to do. You stepped up to bat so many times you make lesser men of everyone I know. Sometimes you struck out; sometimes you hit an RBI. And just the other night you hit a grand slam. =~.o= The point is, you acted in an fashion appropriate to the situation as you saw it, every time. If that isn't manliness I don't know what is. So, are you lonely like me? Do you need a friend?

About Admiral Ironbottom. I'm scared and I don't know who to turn to. I owe the Admiral no fealty and for the sake of at least bringing one of the demons between us out of the shadows I will show my underbelly. When I learned he was behind my mother's recommissioning my stomach screwed up in a knot and I felt like I would pass out. When I was acting as a Federation inspector I also was observing Commander tResan on his behalf. I overheard the Admiral in his office one day when I was there to turn in a resignation from my inspector's position. The old bastard was going on about "pussycats" and "beasts" in Starfleet positions. Milton, Admiral Ironbottom is a racist bastard and I am enclosing my research findings and a recording of his voice. I'm not very good at this cloak and dagger stuff and I'm scared he put my mother in command of this ship thinking she'll screw up and get us all killed and out of his way. It's the only thing I can think of as to why he would put her in command! If you cared for my mother then, she needs you more than ever now! Please, help me! I need you too. Mother's Milk I'm scared.

This one who hurt you, please do not punish me for her actions. I am not like her. I possess the heart of a Terran and a carnivore's mind. I will wait for your decision up until the very last possible moment, because in my mind's eye there is only room for you. Should you choose not to claim me, please provide me with the pleasure of your company that I may enjoy the illusion to the last, and perhaps I can help you to learn to trust once again.

On a lighter note, I mean no offense and yes you are wonderful in bed but enclosed is, despite the title, what I consider the definitive volume on, well, you'll see. =~.o=

Yours and I mean it,

Lynx

PS: And yes you are hopelessly sexy.

Enclosure: Diploma from a Geisha Okiya in Kyoto.

Enclosure: Sex With Your Caitian Girlfriend for Humanoid Dummies by Doctor R'Uth.

Enclosure: Voice recording of Ironbottom and research into the fates of people under his command.

End letter:

THIS IS A BLOODY TRANSITION YOU STUPID MACHINE!

Begin Letter:

Oh Momma I'm so sorry. I have a confession for you, please relax, it's not something really bad. It's just that I'm a little... scared of you. I mean there you are larger than life and you were a Starfleet Captain and you're like 71 and you barely even winced when your arm was broken and oh I don't know. It's like you're some sort of angel from heaven and completely indestructible and I don't know how I can ever measure up to you.

I'm babbling.

Okay. Okay. I will tell you what is between Milton and I. We've only recently become close and it was really rocky for a long time. But you see he and I sort of clicked on a personal level and not just because he was the only link I've ever had to you. He's been an amazing gentleman and whenever I've been moving too quickly he's slowed me down, and whenever I was going to just leap into his bed he stopped me and sent me on my way until I was truly ready to take that step. Please don't be bitter at him for what happened, he got lost in a paperwork shuffle in a cryo pod and woke up to me, a faceful of fangs after the ordeal on the Tang and since then he's been so wonderful and patient and caring and courteous and if I seem distracted and flustered in trying to learn to divide my time, please be patient with me as I'm so confused right now with all the things going on in my life. I want so much to be there for and with you but you now have the ship to run and I feel a little betrayed by that because I thought you would be enjoying a retirement filled with grandcubs and fishing trips and quiet conversation with me as we try to get to know one another and I'm babbling.

That's the crux of the problem. All my life you were this larger than life superhero in my mind, and when I finally meet you you are indeed that larger than life superhero and I feel like a little speck of nothing before you like I haven't done anything right all my life and I've underachieved and I'm babbling again.

All right. Deep breaths.

Momma, my concern with your recommission was selfish. I wanted you all to myself and no doubt you feel the same. I have so many things to tell you and most of what I know about you is all second hand. I feel ashamed at ever doubting you. I feel ashamed at being envious of you. I feel ashamed for taking a lover when I knew you were coming. That's the story of my life, feeling ashamed. I need you so much now more than ever and I need to show you who I am and that will take time. Something of which we both don't have very much. I want you to be proud of me and I'm so scared I won't be able to measure up.

Am I a bad person for being scared? Am I weak for falling to exhaustion?

Mister Brundle, I will do everything I can. I will serve your command to the best of my ability. I want so much to be the daughter you wanted but I don't think my background is right for the... oh damn it I'm about to babble. I am what I am. I'll do my best. And I have a bottle of Orion Champaign I'd saved for my wedding, but I'd rather share it with you. It's plonk, all Orion Champaign is plonk and Maarcuz Riit can get the best direct from France for the day I get married. I want to listen to those stories you have and share some of mine. We're both not what we'd expected or even hoped but we'll get gloriously drunk and make fools of ourselves just the same, just the two of us, you and me. I invite you to visit with me one afternoon. I'll shoo Milton out and the cubs will be in kindergarten so we can have some 'us' time. We can talk or play cards or whatever you like. I do have a suggestion, however, and that is you might do well to wander about my room and ask questions of what you find. Everything I keep has a story behind it and by sniffing about I feel you might get to know me better.

Looking forward to the future and many days of sharing and discovery,

K'Lynxyl

PS: Don't you worry about Fran, she was my best friend when I was a teen and comes with the highest of recommendations.

End letter:

Okay, it says here to partition the send I press this, then this. Oops, that would mix the letters up and send them to the wrong people. Undo, undo. I love the undo key. Try again. Drag the letter to mom to mom's inbox. Send. I did it. =o.O= YAY! Okay, drag the letter to Milton to Milton's inbox. Send. Oh yeah, who's yo momma now you stupid machine?